I just have finished another book about HSP's, which I loved! Several times now I have heard it is good for HSP's to journal, and I am finding this is very true. Interestingly enough about 2 years ago I was not dealing well with my emotions after my feelings were hurt and my Dad's death. At this time I did not know anything about being an HSP but I knew I was heading into a dark place, no I was in a dark place already, and I needed help. I sought out a counselor, and unfortunately, because I wasn't available weekly since I go to Murphy once a month to help my mom, and because I was going away on a vacation this counselor stopped seeing me. She simply would not respond to my texts when I returned home and tried to schedule our next meeting. Talk about feeling lower than low, this really hurt me. So, I decided I would help myself. I started researching dealing with emotional hurts, deaths, feelings of not being good enough, and being told over and over again I was too sensitive. This was the first time I found some information about being Sensitive. One piece I read about being sensitive said if I wrote down my feelings to "put them out there" it might help me process them. So, I did! I wrote down EVERYTHING I was feeling, and thinking. It wasn't easy either to be completely honest and write out everything I was feeling, thinking, my hurts, my faults, my worries, everything little thing...and then I shared it with my husband. So we could talk about what I was feeling, etc. After a short time Lans, my best friend, who was trying to understand what I was going through said she would like to read my journals so she could know what I was going through. Talk about hard, I was sharing everything, things most of us do not say out loud much less write out for others to read. I didn't hold back anything, and over time I could feel this dark cloud start to ease away some. After a few months, I eased off writing my journal entries. As my norm, I quit taking care of myself first. I was helping everyone but myself. I had listened to the audiobook by Elaine Aaron and now realized I was a Highly Sensitive Person, but after talking about it some, I again put myself aside and didn't give it much thought. It was in the back of my mind but I just kept pushing it aside, until when the hurts and stress I was under felt like it was drowning me. I knew I had to help myself, my emotional pain was so deep and I was hurting. The smallest "thing" was now feeling like a "huge thing" and I didn't like myself. If I am 100% honest the truth is what really got me to do something more was I had this beautiful life because of this amazing man who loved me unconditionally and if I didn't start to like and love myself then shame on me, because he deserved better. So, I am putting myself in front of the line for a change. I am taking the time to research, get support, and share what I am learning.
Yesterday, I was asked how I was feeling /doing? I thought about it and I was honest I said it is a struggle and also amazing. I feel so extremely thankful to know that I am a Highly Sensitive Person, and grateful for all I am learning about how to live with being an HSP but at the same time, it has been overwhelming. I can't really describe the different emotions that come over me. At times it feels joyful and other times it hurts. In the books, they warn you that as you go through the handbooks about being an HSP old hurts (some from childhood even) may come to the surface as questions are presented in the books about things you probably have experienced. At times the pain feels as fresh as if it happened yesterday. Also, sometimes, all these emotions can be really draining, leaving me feeling very sad.
Since my husband's surgery, I have not slept well, and I have had crazy dreams. G's blood clot scared me more than I realized. At least now I know why I am reacting the way I am and it's okay. Yesterday, we found out that beloved Jack, Peter, and Candice's dog will have to have an eye removed. My allergies and dogs usually don't go together but Jack has never bothered my allergies. I grew very attached to Jack when I was the nanny for our sweet Andi Rose. He was my constant companion, and if I was ill or sad he sat on my feet and did not leave my side. So the news of Jack ripped at my heart and made me very blue all day. Yesterday, I repeated a part of the book I had been reading about HSP's dealing with the loss of someone or bad news about someone we love. It explained that things like this have a much deeper and often longer-lasting effect on HSP's than on other people. Rereading this part of the book didn't stop what I was feeling but it made me feel better about how I was feeling. So, instead of trying to shove my feelings aside, I let them flow. I also shared how I was feeling with Alan.
Also, in hearing about HSP's dealing with losing someone and the grief that follows, I now understand why when I found out my dad had Alzheimer's I really fell apart. I slept on the sofa for about 3 weeks. I wasn't sleeping well because I couldn't shut off my brain the fact that my dad had Alzheimer's. I was grieving for the loss of my dad; because even though he was still with us, my dad wasn't really with us anymore. I continued to grieve for the next 9+ years as I watched him slowly decline and leave us. Alzheimer's is a horrible thing for anyone to experience!
Today, it is a beautiful"fall" like day, with lots of sunshine. After some chores, I am going to sit outside and enjoy this lovely day. Then I will look for my next book to read. I want to read about the studies they have done to learn about how an HSP's brain reacts to things differently than non-HSP's brains.
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